on love, valentine's day, and my borrowed plan

so i was strolling around the blogosphere and landed here....and my oh my! how i needed that! now go check it out and come back here and we'll talk about it. k? k.

it's ok, i'll wait.

so, pretty cool, huh? definitely something to think about! and what is my definition of love you ask? well, considering the roll down the mountain my "primary love relationship" (as so many of the books call it) has taken this past year, i have found myself saying over and over again, "love is a verb." "love is a choice." and equally as important, "love is not a feeling." although that last part is only partly true, i admit. i guess a better way to say it is that love is not always a feeling. we simply do not always feel loving. well, i don't anyway! (i think that's called life, though.)

love is many many things to me. and i am going to sit with that blank piece of paper and try to figure them all out,but i also plan to get this book and see what it is to everyone else! until then, though, i think i will just try to steer clear of all hallmark stores, drug stores, card displays, flower shops, and for sure the over-the-top-sappy television commercials! etc. until the 14th has safely come and gone. cause right now they just piss me off.

and that most certainly is not very loving, or very cute!

makes me wanna play!!

found this over at daily courage...lovin' the concept and the MUSIC!! go on, turn your speakers up and dance! you know you wanna!!

Across Mediums: An Experiment In Radical Creativity from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.

her day in pictures...

this is the breakfast in bed tray i prepared for her the night before...


i think she liked it...:~)

not so much the blueberry muffin (wasn't homemade) so we adjourned to the kitchen and had lucky charms (a treat for her) and got a new baby...

ready for school...yep, she wore the crown (crowned, as she says) all day long!


after school dress-up party for one and a peppermint cupcake...

we had a skating party on saturday...this was her cake...


that's my girl! wow! she looked so tall in skates!

and that's me...not sure who took it...but, yes, i skated! for the first time in over 20 years! and i still got it! lol!

her bestest friend from preschool...


lots of love...it was a good day!

on dreams and wishes we fly

my baby is 6 today.

i cannot believe it.

seems like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital! (so cliche' i know, but oh, so true.) i remember feeling like someone was going to stop us at the hospital door and ask for some sort of mommy-id or something...like i would have to somehow prove that i was her mom and that i could be trusted just leaving with her like that! i can just see it..."no, really...i gave birth to her! just a couple days ago! ask eric...where's eric?? see that guy putting that car-seat in the car? he was there...he knows! ask him! please let us leave with her! we'll do our best, we promise! she's ours! really!"

some days still feel like that. but she is mine. and i am hers. i'm her mom. and her protector. and her everything. (and i still don't have that mommy-id!) only now i need it not to prove to anyone else that i'm her mom, but to prove it to me! to have something that says it. definitively. that this beautiful, intelligent, articulate, creative, imaginative, soulful little girl that has been entrusted to my care is who she is at least in part because of who i am to her. (please, God, help me do my best every day! thank you for her!)

her mom.
wow.

i am so honored, and so humbled to have the privilege of being her mom, of getting to watch her grow each day and become who she is to be. and that is why this next part breaks my heart...cause there was absolutely nothing i could do about it...she gets to have her own feelings and her own opinions and well...you'll see...

i awakened her this morning with a breakfast tray outfitted with a blueberry muffin (her favorite), fresh strawberries, orange juice, a bouquet of pink tulips (her favorite color), and a new and very blingy cinderella crown! she was so excited and surprised! great moment!

then i had her come to the kitchen where i had another present waiting on her...a baby cinderella (that santa wasn't able to find!) in a gift bag from a gift from last year that had cinderella on it that talked when you opened the bag.

so of course she loved the baby-doll, but then she went back to the bag and opened it two or three times to hear what it said...something along the lines of "may all your dreams come true. don't ever stop dreaming. dreams do come true..." and then, all of a sudden, she threw the bag on the floor and pronounced cinderella a liar!!!

she said that cinderella didn't know what she was talking about! that dreams DO NOT come true!! over and over again she said it. "cinderella is a liar! she does not know what she is talking about! dreams DO NOT come true!"

to say that i was stunned would be a profound understatement. but i also knew where this was coming from. her only wish, her only dream, her only hope, her only (daily) prayer for the past eight months has been for her daddy to come home.
and he's not home yet.
and she's angry.
and understandably so.

me too.

but then i had to get unstunned really fast and talk to her and comfort her and try to put the joy back in our morning. i refused to let him have it today! he chose to not be present for this moment, so it is not his to have!

i'm not sure if i succeeded or not...there is a fine line when talking to a child about dreams coming true or not...especially a sensitive and yet logical one like mine. she was awfully quiet on the way to school...pensive...emotionless almost...even with her blingy crown on her little head and the knowledge that this was her day...it didn't matter.

her heart is sad. she says it hurts all of the time. and mine hurts for her. oh, how i want to take her hurt away! maybe this is the mommy-id...this physical pain you feel when they hurt...and she is oh so hurt.

but i held my tears until i dropped her off. she has seen more than enough of those from me. joy today for her. only joy. so tonight will be dinner together and a special peppermint cupcake for dessert.

and maybe she will be ok with making a wish on her candle...just one more wish, just one more time...

happy, happy birthday, my heart. mommy will always love you and ALWAYS be here. and i will always believe in you AND in your dreams.

my circle journal

several months ago a group of us from artfest decided to create a round robin circle journal project....each of us created a journal with a theme...mine is comfort and joy...and we have a set route to send them. this (above) is the inside front cover of the sign-in book (below) inside the main book that is mine. did ya'll get that??


this is my front cover...and yes, everything here represents and pertains to my theme...spirituality, travel, art, home, time, love, tea, the beach, and prayer. i used an old dictionary cover as the base, and i really am happy with how it turned out! what is really going to be extraordinary though, is getting it back all full up with yummy art from my art sisters...what a treasure!!

this is a little close-up of the danglies on the driftwood....


these are some old recipe cards i found at an estate sale that i used as little page-pockets for each lady participating. i filled mine with various treasures...i hope they do the same! but for the life of me i can't seem to find a photo of my file card decorated on the outside or of the pages i did for my own book, sigh...anyone in the group take any shots of these??

i also signed my name on the paintbrush, and asked each sister to do the same...for a quick visual of each of us, a directory of sorts...

a couple of shots in progress...the big ol' rusty chain and pin is quite big on it now, but my hope is that it will just wrap around it to "secure" it closed when it's all fat and happy with arty goodness!


after this i dare anyone to have one word to say when i refuse to throw away a dried-up tube of paint or a crusty "unusable" paintbrush or even an old tea-bag! (i still think of you every day that i make "sweet tea" dona...and picture you trying to understand my directions...lol!)

really really looking forward to seeing what this baby comes home with! i am so grateful to be a part of this process and even more grateful to be able to call the extraordinarily talented women in this group friends!

and on that note, i need to get my hiney in gear and get the (two!) journals of my lovely art sisters i now have in my possession added to and sent on their way...thanks ya'll so much for your patience and understanding! with the holidays behind us now maybe we can all start fresh! here's to a lovely artful new year!

Believe!

i was reading ali's blog and was reminded of her tradition of choosing a word (or allowing it to choose you) for the year ahead. i remember seeing this last year and wanting a word for myself and never really being able to come up with anything, and nothing was coming to me either. i eventually stopped obsessing over it and still, nothing. and ironically, now i know why...


i was so uncentered in my self, in my life, in my heart, in my mind, in every way, that to choose a word out of all the words and thoughts and stuff swirling around in my head seemed like the biggest chore. and it was. i simply couldn't do it. nothing resonated with me. and i mean nothing. not a word, not a person, not a thought, not a feeling...nothing. i was a shell of myself to the point that i didn't even realize what i had become! i was going thru the daily motions of life in every way.

oh, how i wish someone, anyone, had taken me by the shoulders and jolted me awake! made me see. but could they have? i doubt it.


so caught up in working in the studio to produce produce produce that i barely even remember much about that time...so many moments missed. (thankfully that has changed...and the studio is once again a sanctuary and a place to play and dream for me!) but the memories that do stick out are poignant and gut-wrenching and when i look back now i wish that i could have surfaced in order to acknowledge them and done something about them...stopped what was coming. but i didn't, because i couldn't. i was buried under a thick film of gray haze and it separated me from my family, from love, and from myself. how did i get there? how did i allow that to happen?


i still am not sure of that. but i do know that it didn't happen overnight and for sure getting out of it hasn't happened overnight either. but i know just how far i have come as i read this word for the year idea again and immediately, instantaneously, the word believe dropped into my heart, into my stomach, into me so strongly tears sprang to my eyes...i felt it with every fiber of my being. i felt it. feels good to say that. i feel. aaahhhh. never again will i think my way thru without feeling...push it down or pretend...good or bad, to feel and to believe. that is the way. at least that is my way.


an what does this word believe mean to me? why does it resonate with me so? many reasons.

i have been doing lots of research on women, love, life, relationships and how we behave and/or feel/think/do/ etc, within them, around them, how sometimes we lose ourselves in them, what is healthy or not, what is unconditional love and what is not, and in the process learning so much about myself, who i was, who i am now, and who i am becoming...the kind of woman i want to be...the kind of woman i believe i am...stripping away the layers and revealing her to myself, often for the first time! very empowering stuff!


and this word, believe,(from the english major side of me), it is a verb. and i like that. belief is a noun. and while i have many beliefs, and one could argue that believing in something automatically makes it one's belief, but i like it in the active form! so there! :~) oh, and also, something else i've been reminding myself of a lot lately...love is a verb...not a feeling! chew on that one a while! yeah, i know, right??

so anyway, here goes... a list, of sorts...
i believe in myself,
i believe in the power of love,
i believe in family,
i believe in soulmates,
i believe in never ceasing to learn,
i believe in miracles and the power of God at work in my life whether i can see it at the time or not.
i believe that friendship and good food and laughter heals the soul.
i believe i am right where i am supposed to be right now, even when i don't like it or it doesn't feel good.
i believe in a higher plan for my life and that of my daughter,
and for my little family and for my (our) extended family as a whole.
i believe restoration is coming. i truly do.
i believe in the confirmation of 3...(more on that soon).
i believe i am stronger than i ever realized. and i will never forget it again.
i believe in the power of art to heal, to restore, to uplift, to inspire, and to bring people together in a way nothing else can.
i believe i am a creative spirit for a reason. no, for many reasons.
i believe in the power of beauty.
i believe in asking, believing, and having the grace to receive.
i believe that the year ahead is gonna just knock my socks off it's gonna be so great!!
i believe. i believe. i believe!


so, what's your word??

and also, side note here...is it just me or does any word that you write over and over again begin to look just a little bit wonky by about the 20th time, or is it just me?? :~)

on gratitude...

been thinking a lot lately about being grateful...the power of gratitude in our lives and what that means. just purchased "the secret" and can't wait to watch it. i also invested in a little "the secret" gratitude journal...merry merry to me!...and i'm very excited to see where this path leads me! as far as i know saying thank you never hurt anyone!

then i ran over here and look what i found! looks like i'm not the only one trying to remind myself to stop, look around, and just give thanks already!

and speaking of...here's a look at one side of my booth from the show i did last friday...had too much fun! thanks miss mary for thinking of me!