Opening the Door to Creativity...

so this morning i picked up my well-worn, dog-eared and endlessly-tabbed copy of "the artist's way", took a breath, and opened it...you know, doing that thing where whatever it falls open to is supposed to be just what i need? (and this usually works for me, by the way, whether it is a specific book or i am wandering around a book store...the right book for me at that time will find its way into my hands...i could tell you stories that would really freak you out!) but i digress....

so, anyway...back to this morning...it opened to week 12, "recovering a sense of faith". and i just laughed out loud at that alone! and the very first sentence is "creativity requires faith. faith requires that we relinquish control." (says the book to the control freak) then, "this is frightening, and we resist it." (yeah, no shit. like our lives depend on it!) and yet we do it every time! well, i do, anyway. she goes on to say that "depression, like anger and anxiety, is resistance, and it creates dis-ease. (nope, not a typo there) this manifests itself as sluggishness, confusion, 'i don't know...'" and then she says, "the truth is, we do know and we know that we know."

right again. geez. so what does all this mean? it means that it is not in our nature, especially our creative nature, to let go and believe that we are on the right path. it is especially hard when the well feels dry, the bank account definitely is, and nothing in the whole body has the get up and go to try and do anything about it. the mind starts focusing on other things, anything to keep from sitting quietly with our real thoughts, anything to lose focus and time...bills, dirty floors, what's in there to snack on, i need a shower, laundry, flower beds, what to fix for supper, where the kid needs to be when, what's on tv, the list could go on and on. as women especially, ya'll know the endless loop that runs through your head.

and it is not that we don't know, in our heads, what to do...self care is vitally important. we consistently put ourselves on the back burner...our art gets set further back than that...and the idea of taking a walk, a bubble bath, reading a book for pleasure, meditating, creating an art journal, taking a nap, even eating before we are crabby, all of it falls off as we care for everyone and everything around us. we have to stop. we have to put ourselves back on the list. for our health, for our sanity, actually, even for those around us. are we fun to live with? i haven't been lately. i have been wearing my feelings on my sleeve, and feeling drained and worn out, and somehow it is everyone else's fault that my muse has taken an extended vacation! what the???

no it's not. and i know it. you know it, too.

as i read the aforementioned chaper 12, i could have just highlighted the whole thing...but most of it already was...from the last time i read it!...and i could sit here and reiterate the whole thing to you now...but it is just sooo much information...i think for now we need to start with one thing...just one thing...a mantra, maybe, of affirmation that we are on the right path. i think that is what i need. because when times get tough that is the hardest time to stay the course. and as she points out, this creativity course is not a straight path...it spirals. i know for me, that if i were to do what has been going through my head lately...to chuck it all...nice try, amy, but you failed...again...that i would likely never recover. i believe that i am doing what i am supposed to be doing...even now, feeling like i do. i know how i felt when i was making good money but denying my true self....and i think that if i were to go back there i would never make it back to me...and not only do i deserve to be the me that god created me to be for me, but i owe it to him, i owe it to those i love.

just one more quote from the book..."our truest dream for ourselves is always god's will for us." i'm about to put that where i can see it every single day...and remind myself that this part, this dark time, is simply the time before the birth...the new day...the next thing...the return of the muse...and i have to be open....i have to listen and learn...i want to get this...whatever this is...this time around...i want to see what wonderful and amazing experience awaits on the other side of this mountain. i have to believe. i have to have faith. i was put here to create. this i know for sure. what do you know for sure??